Zelnor (zelnor) wrote in kingdom_spork,

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I have a headache - soon you will, too.

Title: Roxas 1 Axel 0


Author: 13AkuRoku8 and Firekitten (repeated offenders)
- Of merciful medium length and without too much of teh buttsecks, but the spelling, grammar and oh merciful deity, the non-sentences just kill my brain. Ow.
Full Name (including any titles): Axel and Roxas, Xio
Full Species(es): Nobodies I have to presume, no clue what the hell Xio is. Oh, wait. A speshul fire lion with the species name "Moomba"
Hair Color (include adjectives): As Canon, Xio - black, I think
Eye Color (include adjectives): No orbs this time, but Roxas eyes are aparently flashlights.
Unusual Markings/Colorations/Physical Features: Lion form. Wait, come back - it doesn't get to what that implies.
Special Possessions (if any): "Xio", the magical fire lion insert tru wuv pet.
Origin: A fifth grader who loves the lion king and who wants to impress his big sister, the Grand Master Yaoi Fangirl.
Connections To Canon Characters: Stuffed them into a walk-in freezer.
Special Abilities: To make no sense whatsoever between sentences.
Other Annoying Traits: The - it's not even karate chop sentences. It's just that the sentences have no semblance of a connection to each other. It's as if some magical badfic producing robot ran out of material and simply cobbled together the odd sentenced from previous things.
Also, they're able to jump through time, or enter a ship, exist it without the reader noticing and enter it again a paragraph later.
I Say/Notes: If you can make any sense of this fic, you're a) The author, b) from the planet Zog, c) on a multitude of illegal substances and household cleaners.


I apologize for my issues with LJ cuts. Sorry.
EDIT: Maybe they'll work manually.

"In the jungle, the mighty jungle
The lion sleeps tonight
In the jungle, the mighty jungle
The lion sleeps----- tonAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

All: WAH !

All (sans Axel): WAAAAH !

A red ball of flame flew into the side of a black lion. Small yips and the licking of the face drew the blue tattoos of the black lion's cheek dull. "Xio!" A growl and the red lion jumped away, yipping a bit at his master.

Kairi: “The licking of the face” ? “Drew the tattoos dull” ? Not a good start.

Sora: Xi-who ?

Riku: Isn’t that the actual 14th member of Organization XIII ?

Axel: That’s Xi-on. This is just some self-insert.

Demyx: At least it’s yipping and not –

Sora: *clamps his mouth shut* Please stop right there.

His master was the black lion... with a bright red mane. He stood and shook a bit. "This is my vacation too! Don't interrupt my siiiiiiiinging~~~~~~~"

Riku: This many tildes can’t be healthy.

Axel: *as Dr. House* Tell me, when did you start speaking like this ? Have you been exposed to any badfic lately ?

Sora: *as Lion!Axel* Well, I was around Demyx after he sported that really weird rash…
Axel: *Dr. House* *quirks eyebrow* Uh-huh... and then ?
Sora: *As Lion!Axel* NOTHING ! I'd never betray my lovely wife ! I am totally stright and truthful ! Yes sir.

"He doesn't like your singing." A golden lion murmured, sunbathing on the top of a rock. His mane was just a few shades brighter then his fur color, swirling just as 'unnaturally' as ever - even the puff at the end of his tail had a little curl to it. The lions eyes were bright blue. A little below his collar was a white X marking in the fur - just like his charm.

Sora: They all want me Nobody charms

Riku: I still can’t get over the fact that they’re lions.

Demyx: Ditto. I fear the worst.

Axel: … homing Lion kooshball hydras ?

Demyx: … Maybe just the second worst.

Kairi: And they’re all members of the premium hair club.

Roxas yawned, rolling onto his back, his voice rumbling in satisfaction as the sun warmed his fur. "I don't blame Xio - your terrible." He grinned.

Kairi: I think there should be a comma.

Sora: Roxas asks what his terrible actually does.

He couldn't describe how grateful he was for Sora's gift... to be able to travel around, loosen up and relax - they deserved it after all the crap they went through together.

Sora: Oh canon, where art thou ?

Demyx: *bard* Far, far away in a land where good ideas flow and the plot is left unblemished by badfic, a wonderful place such as you might have read of.

Riku: … So instead of making you two whole, you gave him your frequent flyer miles ?

Kairi: Even that doesn’t make sense – he has a gummi ship.

While Riku was a waiter and Sora was teaching, Axel and Roxas were guiding. Being leaders of the town - co-mayors as some would say - they had a lot on their plate. Property leasing, tax exemptions, construction oddities, poverty issues, mailing issues, law enforcement and more and more and more. It got to be so much DAMN paperwork Roxas wanted to tear his hair out at times.

Sora: Roxas says he’d just give Axel the paperwork, like back in his Organization days.

Axel: The fireplace was never empty.

But he was proud as well. He had a feeling some of his Other's personality had rubbed off on him - he just couldn't help but smile when he felt like he had helped someone - no matter how small or large the job.

Axel: *imaginary telephone* Roxas Inc., how may I satisfy you ? Uh huh. uh huh... Ah hah, ah hah… Will that be a small, or a large job ?

Sora: *punch*

but DAMN did he love vacation time!

Kairi: So much it messes up his capitalization.

~Snippity. More random frolicking in lion form with what ever the hell Xio is.~

The larger lion pounced the golden one onto the ground as the Moomba playfully bit the golden's tail.


All: Not again.

"Stop being a party pooper! IT'S VACATION!"

Axel: *As TV Announcer* Escape mindlessly toiling your life away and take a vacation to colourful badfic land !

Sora: *also as announcer* Visit the beautiful City of OC and take part in a re-enactment of all the plotline with a self-insert of your choice ! Or, if you want, be the main character yourself and witness adventure and drama !

Kairi:*ditto* Be sure to buy a traditional flask of Sparklypoo, handcrafted in one of our many memorial biology supply stores !

Demyx: *plays background music* Afterwards, take a ride to one of our many resorts – with fully acclimatized rooms, room service 24/7 and a staff hornier then the concentrated essence of teenage.

Riku: Included in our travel programs are exciting trips to picturesque native locations such as Voreland, the Depths of Emo and Transgender Town !

All: Dial now and order your trip to badfic !

"Gah!!" Roxas cried as he was 'attacked'. He swatted towards Axel like a playful cub would. He tugged his tail away from Xio easily. "You two are gonna get it!" he warned, a catlike grin spreading across his face.

Demyx: ‘I’m gonna getcha in the middle of the night…’

The lion and Moomba looked at each other again before pulling on that sheepish grin again. This was more like it! Axel puffed up his chest, making his red mane fluff out a bit. They pulled their hinds back again and dashed towards the other lion, bring case to the jungle.

Sora: … What, please, is a Moomba ?

Riku: Poomba’s Mom as a Goomba.
Kairi: Or just a really unimaginary speshul species name

Axel: ‘Bring case to the jungle’. Sounds like the engrish blackmailers’ plot.

Roxas felt his legs pound into the African ground, an exhilarating light in his eyes. This world was fantastic and fun. He felt life in a whole new way, say it in a different light - well he was colorblind so... light was all he had. The world was so different as a lion - sight sharper, smells sharper, and movements quicker.

Axel: And now they’re raping the very earth they’re on.

Demyx: Ouch.

Even still he was shorter - and begin shorter and having less leg way to carry him made Axel faster.

Sora: Raise your hand if that sentence made any sense at all.

*cricket noise*

Sora: Thought so.

And Axel easily caught him. They went tumbling down the hill, both fighting for the top.


Roxas grinned, his feline features spread in a satisfied look. "Pinned ya!" He teased, licking Axel's face with his rough tongue.

Axel: First that dog (*cough* LJ icon *cough*) and now you. What, do I taste of ice cream ?

Kairi: The cliché would have you taste like strawberries. Anyone wanna try ?
*prolonged cricket noise as Axel looks close to bursting into flame*
Kairi: Thought so.

~Snippity – misspelled dialogue. The sporker begins to hopeb that this actually won’t turn into furry porn.~

He remembered how adapt Axel had been at first at the idea of traveling - it had taken a lot of convincing, and a very interesting tales from Sora (not to mention a safe way to travel) before Axel would agree. He made sure to get a list of worlds that were a 'must-see' from his brother (funny how Destiny Islands was one of them).

Axel: Okay, time out.

Sora: Yes ?

Axel: I am, as the fic amusingly states right this time, adapted to travelling !

Demyx: Yeah, the Organzation was all over the worlds !

Axel: Also, safe way to travel ? Corridors of Darkness, anyone ?

Kairi: But those corrupt yo-

Axel. No heart. Is that so hard to remember ?

Riku: Seeing as you’re all choleric and snarky here, yes.

Sora: And, by the way, we’re brothers again. Yaaaay.

~Snippity – the Self-Inserts’ origin is hastily plugged (apparently, it’s a natural lion. Wait, no – a speshul fire lion. Ooooooh), Axel stares at Roxas whilst he sleeps, in a non-romantic but bland way, and Roxas wakes up and gets hit with the hyperactivity stick~

Axel continued to smile before giving the other a dull look. Xio also grew a dull look.
"So... you gonna summon that ship or what?"

"Um well..." Roxas scuffled his paws nervously then laughed. "i don;t know how in this form!" He grinned innocently.

Sora: …

Kairi: And the capital letters are on strike again.

Green eyes widened again as he heard that.
Xio started to howl desperately.
"Hey! Don't tell me we're going to be stuck here!"
He need to have ice cream! He needed to keep his nice body toned! He need to shake his money maker and dance! AND AND AND what about his people!? And his pretty face!?
There was no way he was going to have to lion hump him for the rest of his life.

Sora: Roxas says you can stay far away from him or me with any furry kink of yours.

Axel: Serves me well. I’d rather attach razor wire to my chakrams, swallow them and then floss myself then to death then to do that. As a lion, of all things. They have these freaky barbs on their-

Demyx. MOVING. ON.

Kairi: The yaoi-related hyperactivity disorder has taken Axel as its next victim.

Axel: *Dr. House* Fascinating. Prolonged exposure to badfic leads to the detioration of higher brain function, as shown by hyperactivity, laughably increased sex drive, secretion of a lubricant-like substance around the rectum and becoming a spineless little twit.

Demyx: *as uke* Ha ha ha… I need you... Inside me.

Sora: *as Axel* Okay, I admit it, doctor – I cheated on my wife with him. NOW CURE ME !

Axel: *Dr. House* Sorry, you’re done for.


"ROXAAAAAAS!" He whined in defeat.

Roxas burst into laughter, waving a paw. "Calm down calm down! I just have to remember!" How the hell did Sora do it?!

But he agreed with Axel he didn't want to be stuck here the rest of his life either - hunting was just messy and disgusting, the chunks of meet stuck between his teeth, bathing was... well rare... and squatting to go to the bathroom was not fun.

Oh and he didn't want to lion hump the rest of his life either.

Sora: So-

Axel: Shut up.

Sora: I ju-


~Snippity a plot device where there's some lion and keyblade action. Canon is found lying piss drunk in the gutter and is not up to anything for the next week.~

The next thing Axel, Xio and Roxas knew they were on the gummi ship.

"It worked!"

Xio and Axel just watched as the golden lion was hopping around hopelessly trying to make a keyhole. He had to cough out a laugh with the other fell on his back and it was just adorable how hard he tried to get the awkward thing to work as a lion. It was really a sight to see. Axel wish he had a camcorder and put it in the collection of movies.

"I know!"

The two watching blinked and waited to see what Roxas would do next... and with a blink of an eye, they were back in the ship.

Sora: And now they have a groundhog day.
Riku: Or one of them is a Time Lord.

Kairi: And after the tour through the Department of Redundancy Department, they’d had a tour through the Department of Redundancy Department.

"YEY! I got such a smart boyfriend!" Axel cheered and Xio yipped next to him.
The pyro smiled as he looked down at himself to make sure he was back to his normal look. It was nice to be on his two feet again and 6" tall. His narrow eyes moved to the command center where blonde spikes reached up.

Axel: Wow, Xaldin bleached his lances ?

Sora: Definitely not his color.

A grin ran over his face as he ripped down his long, black jacket and let it open freely. He quietly tip-toed to the other while Xio got the hint and went to the back to one of the three cots. It was in the room that read 'Sora's Room' but he didn't care all that much, nor could he read.

Kairi: Department of Redundancy Department.

Riku: Axel’s getting neeeeekkid !

Demyx: *plays ‘You can leave your hat on’*

Axel leaned down so he was the same height as the one in the chair. He was about to scare the blonde shitless before thinking a bit. Something popped into his mind. A memory?
It was when he first met Namine... well... Kairi.

Demyx: *Foreman* Dr. House ! Our patient shows symptoms of random flashback disorder !

Axel: *Dr. House* Damnit, he’s still hiding something.

"I happen to be an acquaintance of Sora's. Why don't we go see him?"
"We've got something in common, Kairi. You and I both miss someone we care about. "

Kairi: Real plot, proper characterization, Canon, Spelling and Grammar ?

Riku: Coherency ?
Demyx: Sora's ass ?
Sora and Axel: *Ka-Keyblade and Buh-Burning*

A smile appeared on the slender face and he soon rose again to his height. He moved around the chair and sat on one of the armrest, looking out the window that Roxas was looking out. That was quite a crazy time. He had to protect Roxas's life... and eventually gave him life. Things dawned on him like killing two people like some jackal, but saving a well earned one... twice, well, it weighed everything out.

Kairi: Why are there so many sentences that make no sense at all ?

Sora: Maybe this is badfic Evangelion.

Riku: The headache’s the same, at least.

"I wonder what Wonderland is like." He said softly, more to himself than anything.

Sora: Less trippy then this.

~Snippity nonsensical dialogue~

The red head smiled at the nuzzle and suddenly picked him up. He nuzzled him more and laughed, pulling him over his shoulder. Talking about height difference. Where Axel hid all his strength in that little body, no one knew either. He grinned as he slapped Roxas' ass and walked towards the 'bedroom' where Xio was sleeping already.

Kairi: I give up. There is no sense.

Axel: *summons booze* Hey, Coherent Sentences is labeled "Missing" on the side of this bottle.

Riku: Saw that coming.

Roxas yelped slightly when he was thrown over a shoulder almost uncaringly. Then he yelped again as his poor butt was mistreated.

Axel: SURPRI- Aw, it’s not even effective anymore. *pouts, drowns sorrow*

"Axel!" He cried, struggling a bit. "I'm gonna get you back for that!" What was the crazy pyro planning?

Riku: Buttsex.

Sora: Mpreg.

Demyx: Gorn.

Axel: Stuffing you in a closet, filling it with gasoline, detonating it from afar and then getting back to reality, where there’s the real Roxas. Then maybe I'll watch House or play video games with him.

The pyro laughed as he closed the 'bedroom' door with his foot. He walked over to one of the cots and swung Roxas down playfully. He pinned the other and grinned, licking his face. "I won this time!"

Sora: Roxas is appalled at the suggestion that he and Axel have a permanent surprise licking contest.

Riku: …

Sora: He says they wrestle Behemoths instead, which is way better and less gay.
Riku: ...
Sora: Furthermore he says he's leading by three points.

He stopped and blinked as his narrow eyes looked to the side, seeing Xio watching. Giving the Moomba a dull look, he fell to Roxas' side. "We should of found a Moomba sitter for this vacation~" He whined, making Xio blink and look away.

Sora: I thought it was a fire lion ?

Riku: Ooh, but it’s not speshul without more then one species name ! Also, Moomba is so original and way more creative then, say…

Demyx: Leo Ignis Vulgaris.

All: *stare*

Axel grinned more as he pushed off his jacket and unzipped his pants a bit. "Can I wander around in Wonderland...??" He asked in a suggestive voice.

Sora: I’d like to see you try.

Riku: I’d like to see the Queen of Hearts’ face.

Axel: I’d like to see you burn.

Roxas grinned. "Yeah and Xio would have torn you apart if we had left him once we got back." That would have been entertaining actually...

He watched Axel like a hawk as he started to undress, smirking a bit. "Wander away, just don't get lost."

"No, my baby wouldn't do that." He grinned as he looked over his shoulder loosely to see that the Moomba was still facing away. He knew Xio was angry at the comment.

Kairi: I’ve been trying to find any connection in terms of topics, subjects or – anything, really, between these sentences. *sob* I can’t take much more of this.

Sora: Come on, Kairi. I believe in you.

Both: *blush*

Demyx: *strums sitar* ‘It’s a very, very… mad world…’

He looked back at Roxas and grinned as his black pants slipped down those long legs of his. "Oh no no, I won't get lost. I know exactly where I'm going. I got it all mapped out you see. Commit it to memory~~" He said in a savvy voice. His eyes grew dark as he grew a daring, suggestive smile to the blonde...

Sora: *pale*

Riku: Oh, so the long-dreaded TRU WUV action decides to finally come.

only to fall off the cot.

Sora: *cheer*


Roxas' eyes watched the pants slip down Axel's legs, licking his lips a bit in anticipation - he raised his head to meet Axel's eyes and -

And then he was gone with a very unmanly cry. Once the explicative started Roxas broke into laughter rolling around on his cot in mirth.

"HEY!" The tall pyro flailed his arms as he squirmed on the floor, high and proud in his red hearted boxers. Xio blinked as he heard the commotion, looking back and seeing the scene. He too had a hard time giving an evil little laugh and yipping at his pathetic master.

Demyx: Hah, even bad inserts laugh at you.

Sora: *sporfle* Red-hearted boxers ?

Axel: *body gets warmer and warmer* Urge to burn everything rising.

"I didn't mean to do that!" Axel yelped as he got himself together and tugged off his pants finally. Pulling his hand through his hair, he looked at his lover ROFLing on the cot. "I....mean.... I totally meant to do that."

Kairi: Ne- netspeak… Asdfmoeglblblbblbll…

Sora: Kairi ?

Riku: This ‘fic was hopeless from the beginning.

Kairi: *empty stare*

Sora: Kairi ! No !

~Snippity. Does anyone have some Bleeprin for poor Kairi ?~

Talking about roman numerals, Xio opened an eye, peeking at the two.

Sora: Talking fire lion insert.

Riku: *summons Way to the Dawn* We must exorcise it !

Right above Axel's butt crack, a new tattoo could be seen. It was 'VIII'. Axel thought it was kinda sexy, especially since Roxas could have a great view of it in the 'woof woof' position.


Riku: *choking with laughter*

Demyx: … ‘woof woof’ position ?


He pulled from the kiss and pulled Roxas up under the arms, placing him back on the cot. He climbed in as well, grabbing the blanket and pulling it over them, above their head too. THIS WAY A NOSY MOOMBA COULDN'T SEE. He snickered a bit before kissing Roxas again.

Sora: Ewww. Sex with your pet still in the room. That’s just wrong.

~Snippity. The speshul pet knows that blanket = buttsex. Axel is the uke. IKEA erotica all around.~

Yes their blanket was a 'shield' but it worked none the less and sometimes it actually intensified the lovemaking - mostly cause it got even hotter underneath it.

Roxas grimaced in a disgusted way at Axel's comment. "Are you trying to kill the mood? I don;t want to picture my twin naked and screaming for Riku to 'give him more' thank you very much."

Sora and Riku: *SPITTAKE?!*

Axel: AAAAHAAHAHAH ! *Schadenfreude*

Kairi: *still empty stare, slightly drooling*

Axel stopped in the darkness as he heard Roxas... and all that came out of him was a very.... unmanly scream.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWW!! Alright, that's it! My penis is broken! I'm going to bed." He quickly turned away and yanked at his own hair. GOD THAT PICTURE NEEDED TO GET OUT OF HIS HEAD!


Riku: What is it ?`

Sora: This is archived at a porn site. If the author just wants to write bad crackfic, why BOTHER ?

Riku: *shrugs* Troll ?

Demyx: Speaking for the sporker, a broken penis is rare, but can happen and is enormously painful. Or, in sporker speak – BIOLOGY DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY.

~Snip some things incoherent. The sporker craves hot tea and wonders whether this would make sense if he were drunk~

Roxas grinned as they were thrown into complete darkness. "Axel's afraid of the liiight~ and my brother naked."

Axel's eyes narrowed more than usual as he was taunted. He pouted and shoved his ass in Roxas's face.
"Shut up~~~~ It is scary... at least the latter one."

Axel: *Dr. House* Oh my god… It’s spreading !

Sora: *Nurse* Doctor ! We have another case of Yaoi-related Tilde syndrome !

Demyx: *Foreman* Merciful God…

Axel: Won’t help us.

The greens closed after a moment as he snuggled up to the cot. Get your mind on something else.
Wonder what Wonderland looked like.

Kairi: *empty stare*

Sora: Uh-oh… the badfic’s really got to her.

~Snippity to the end~

Sora: *shakes Kairi* Kairi ! Kairi ! Wake up !

Riku: *evil voice* It’s no use. Her mind is missing, gone from the shock…

Demyx: You mean this ? *holds up stylized brain*

All: …

THE END. (Because the sporker is too lazy to write a beginning and end today. He chooses to leave you with your headache instead.)


Next one are two little gems called "Cant think of a title" and "From Pouts to Rape".

The titles say it all, really.
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